Still am lonely

I think social media is harmful.
For me.

Now when looking at all those succesful persons’ pictures,
the person who got their dream jobs in hand,
those who are travelling the world,
Luxuries, social and freedom.

I feel tad bit of envy,
Sorry
I think a lot lot lot of jealousy.

I feel like I am out of purpose in this life.
So sad.
So so sad.

I am a person who really like to talk and mingle with people actually.
But with the life I am walking now,
I feel very less energetic than before.
I feel tired.

Not being able to do what I want to do and become.
Not being able to talk with my friends,
I actually dont have friends anymore.
You know, real friend(s) apart from my husband.
He does have his staffs ans business partner to talk with,
something that i dont have.
To do what I did last time
Not going out as often as before.. feel like really out of purpose.

I want to go and study but I am stuck.
Ive got no savings.
Those earnings that I had,
gone.

Currently I am doing baking. I know how to bake pavlovas and cheesecake.
With that, I am able to pay the bills and a few of musha’s needs.
Not that my husband doesnt help, dont get me wrong,
It’s just maybe not enough. For me.
But, last time, when I was working, I can buy almost anything for my self.
Self indulgence.

Ahhhh I really should be grateful.
Other’s dont even have shoes on their feet..
But this feeling comes naturally.
After all, I am just a mere human..

The thing isssssss
I DONT TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT MY FEELINGS
AND I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK
BUT I DONT WANT ANYONE TO BE BURDENED BY IT
SO, blog thanks.

- remorseless -

Hi guys! It’s been quite a long time since I write.
Well, it’s been hell of a roller coaster ride all this while.
I wanna write again coz I tend to forget all the important life events that is happening in my life.
It’s like there’s a big hole on the back of my head straining me from remembering. Lol
Maybe I did X too much last time.
Or maybe I just wanna read what I wrote in 10 years time and say “Wow Elle, you’re kinda stupid but  at the same time kinda brilliant”
But most important thing is or More accurate, I need a platform to vent out everything that I feel, sincerely, from the core of my black heart.

So, the very first topic after 7 years of not writing for myself is

Lonely.

Mind you, I am married now. Nearly two years. 16/7/2016
I do have a husband and a lil mini me whom I love so dearly.

But,
I kinda need someone to talk.

I don’t know how to talk about my feelings.
Since day one and my blog is the one that I let it all out.

I think I am a kind of a person who doesnt talk much about her own feelings
As she thinks that others’ feelings are much more important than hers.
That is why as days passed by, she’s hurting inside.
*Libra’s trait*

I just dont’t know where to start.

Maybe I just feel kinda lonely.
I don’t go out or talk a lot anymore.
I miss my old friends and life.

- fucking annoying -

Hey! Don't laugh at the title.
 It's normal to write this when you're a 17 year old girl that
don't have a normal relationship for quite some time..
* Okay, now I'm regretting this for writing this x) *
* i dont want to get too serious, just normal and happy relationship *
It's normal okay! So, don't laugh. :3
I'm completely reformed.
For I am ashamed of my self coz I know,the last time I wrote something about quote unquote this thing so called
love is when I was the "Anti- lover". People change attitudes and their feelings vary.

I admit it. I can't resist the nature of life.
When it comes to love, there's no resistance of it, we can't deny that we can live without love. It's nonsense.
It's like herpes, no matter how hard we try to prevent it, it will keep coming over again and again.
We'll stop. For a moment, but this feeling however will reappears.
Okay, maybe we can stay away for awhile, but we can't stay away forever.
We can search the right one when it is the right time, or to be exact, they'll come to us, someday.
Some may find that him/her self kind of have the allergy for the word "LOVE" like I used to,
but then, I realized, until when right?

I want a flawless/perfect boyfriend.
I'll highlight the "perfect" word.
My definition of perfect goes something like this :

I want a boyfriend who can
follow me to travel around.
Coz I like to travel u know.

I want a boyfriend that uses his own money. Not mine.
I know I'm a soft hearted girl when it comes to money. Especially if the person is someone whom u like or love. A lot. * now that I told you guys about this, don't you ever take advantage of me *
I need to be selfish in one thing : money !
I use my own benjamin($), and you use your own fucking franklin($) aite ?

Now,read this carefully, I'm not that parsimonious, but I'm sick and tired of giving away my money for free without any
return. I mean,not that I wanted "things or gift" as in returning the favor but at least a "thank you" would be enough laah.
Don't be such a pig.
We can like, exchange things up, I would love some give and take. It's the fairest thing to do so far I know.
I'll buy you food, and you'll bring me to the cinema, watch movies.
IN A RELATIONSHIP : It's all about GIVE AND TAKE PEOPLE!
if I give give give, U take take take, mana boleh jadi bro. haha
If u give give give and I take take take, you would be annoyed or angry something like that also rightt? :3

I like short hair guy, same goes to the long hair one. I love them both.
However hmm, not too short, not as well as too long la kot? xD
I like guys with various way sense of style. Who can pull Hippies, Vintage, Emo, Reggae , Urban.
Universal you know.
Not REMPIT REMPIT REMPIT REMPIT ! my armpit lah !

Needless to say, I'm bored with the style I'm growing up with. that's why I rarely upload new pictures on facebook.
Same hair cut since I was in standard 5? Now come on, it's depressing!

Regardless what people would say about me, I know that I'm not one of the "Barbie", though some guy
like it when their girlfriends tend to be sweet or "mengada-ngada".
But sorry sir, if that's what you like then just go on with it. x)
i have nothing to argue about.

Boys who good in English and educated really turn me on. * like fo real dude.

Note : I have a very huge wall of ego . if you can break it , then you're my man. :D

Exp: (pergh ada example tu HAHA XD) *im trying to be detail in this . lol
okay,
example : You text-ed me something like " hey how are you " . and I know I will reply this
" I'm fine thank you, how bout you? Have you eaten?"
then you replied this " fine. I ate already "
exactyly.
I won't reply to this.
but you kept sending me txt messages saying that " omg elle, you're very snobbish " or " why you didn't reply to me".
then, there will be definitely no SMS for you anymore. :)
get the picture?
I don't like to be the "conversation starter". no i don't. don't ask me why, but i really don't like.
except if i really liked you of course :P


I have so many flaws. And I don't want a too perfect boyfriend.
Everybody has he/she own imperfection right? so am I.
I'm narcissist ? no , i'm not. i just want the best for me. and you have the right to chose what are the best for you.
one of em is that I'm not excellent in starting a conversation. If you're the one who makes it boring, then trust me, I'll make it worst. See, I really need someone who can spice up my life. The second thing is,
I have the biggest thigh in the whole universe. I want to make it smaller. LOL :P.
 If there's no chance, I'm getting all that I listed up there, it's okay. I'll still accept you for who you are and
depending on the reasons why you love/like me. That's all. I'm not that strict tho. x)
nowwwwwwwwwwwww i'm *blushing* aw.. im so embarrassed coz write all these.
I noticed that how i'm against love..
I noticed that how I longing for love now.
perhaps, we can't be extremely over confident that we can hate something for ever coz it turns out,
you'll be loving it someday. Same with the opposite.

Damn elle, you're just 17 chicha !
   IM WRITING THIS OUT OF LONELINESS.DAMN YOU FEELINGS!
Any comment? :p

ouch

- remorseless -

I can't get you the fuck out of my mind. You're the only one that I want.
You're the only one that I truly and sincerely loved.
yeah, loved.
I can't love anyone else like I loved you.
You're too far away. There's a gap between you and me that restricts me from holding you
but I don't know what.

Changes.

- remorseless -

Hye. It's been a while. nearly half a year maybe?
So, I've been away for some reason.
Well, I met a new way of life, new kind of community and yeah new environment.
It affects me as much if I would say.
I'm not that active on facebook anymore, but hey,
I will be blogging again from now. So yeah..

So, mother sent me to Politeknik Ibrahim Sultan in Johor.
the Hostel bores the hell out of me.

and shit. my blog's gettin' bored. .__.
I'll update later when my emotions is not stable.

SO YEAH, baru perasan, that I did not update my blog coz i have a very very stable emotions
for half a year. now, thats wicked for me lah. so yeah,
the PnP starts now, the pressure has begun. xD

bye.

THE DERP GOES RAWR!

- remorseless -

BEHOLD! FOR WE'RE GOING TO BRING THE NOISE!

credit goes to-uze osbourne/PixelDixelArt

we're gonna show all of them what are we going to be. 

we're going to be success, respected.

I'm sick of some people who talk bad things about us.

this is not a game for we will give it all, make them see that we are dead serious about this.

well, this is the true color of people who live in this music scenes.

there's no good and bad. 

we only focus in one. we gather in one.

ph by the way this is a song composed by me, danish and nasir. -for fun- part of this band's material. (although not official)
instrumental :3

but the real deal you can see it on youtube or go to facebook and type in The Derp Goes Rawr :)

Catching winds.

- remorseless -

As far as I concerned, there's no possible way to catch wind.
It'll come by itself, softly touches our naked body, passing through every pores, 
and disappear whenever it wants. Come and go as it pleases.
When the blue sky breezes, I feel like I am not alone. I feel like I am home.
I want it to stay, but I cant find any way.
_____________________________________________________________
I am frustrated.
I plant the seeds, I tend it, I water it. but instead of what I imagined,
Thorns are the results.
These thorns inside me, grew bigger and I don't know how to cease it.
To make it less painful. To make it grow into beautiful intricate roses.
Anxiety took over my mind, I'm afraid that I'll be abandoned someday by someone who means a lot to me.
I already am. been abandoned,neglected. I can't sleep for days coz of it.
Those happy moments is only for awhile.

If moment of clarity arrives,
Please, light a shine bright upon me, let me see, let me know, let me understand,
Teach me how to walk in this world full of hypocrisy and madness.
For I am in haze, I am blinded bt lust and gluttony. sunken in this hole for too long,
I've befriended with these menacing cloudy sky.
I am a disgrace. I am a child born of curse.

Help.

it's not my intention to make everyone sees me smiling, no it's not.
it's not that I fake it..
I just never been in any comfort to tell people what is my real feelings are.
it's complicated to tell. just let it be oblivion like ashes..

Nike dunk high

- remorseless -

baby. dont leave me. macam abang mu si 6.0 tuh, haktui pi ilang dlm bas buat gapo

hehe my new baby Eli i love youu

- remorseless -

hye.. this is my new boyfriend..
cousin dia Ellis mid vans dah masuk dalam kotak..sian dia..
takpe, Poppy, jasamu dikenang :) setahun bersamamu..

esok nak bawak Eli jalan2 for the first time, titik pertama beliau berhijrah adalah ke Rumah Api, Ampang.

kita akan menikmati masa agung bersama <3

I NEED ALL THIS STUFF BEFORE APRIL!

- remorseless -

-Blackberry
why?
coz it's easier for me to contact all my friends coz seems like all of em pakai BB now.
FUCK YOU HALV! bila nak bagi duit gua balik pun taktau,
doh, it's 650rm kot. and it was my birthday present :(

-Nike 6.0
-Jordan
-Macbeth Mcqueen and Newman or Pendleton.
mann.. i dont know.. but I have this thing with sneakers..I love them too much,
there's no way I would spend my money on heels. -___- sakit kaki je.
but who knows.. one day.. my heart will be delighted to accept the visionary of a whole new world.
world of feminine. HOMAIGAD xD

Mcqueen.. pretty simple but yet, is very easy to wear.

you'll be mine Pendleton baby. one day for sure!

This my friends, is 6.0.. might consider between the blue or the red one.

Insyallah, if I work hard to get all the money, with my own titik peluhs, it will be all much worthy.