Still am lonely

I think social media is harmful.
For me.

Now when looking at all those succesful persons’ pictures,
the person who got their dream jobs in hand,
those who are travelling the world,
Luxuries, social and freedom.

I feel tad bit of envy,
Sorry
I think a lot lot lot of jealousy.

I feel like I am out of purpose in this life.
So sad.
So so sad.

I am a person who really like to talk and mingle with people actually.
But with the life I am walking now,
I feel very less energetic than before.
I feel tired.

Not being able to do what I want to do and become.
Not being able to talk with my friends,
I actually dont have friends anymore.
You know, real friend(s) apart from my husband.
He does have his staffs ans business partner to talk with,
something that i dont have.
To do what I did last time
Not going out as often as before.. feel like really out of purpose.

I want to go and study but I am stuck.
Ive got no savings.
Those earnings that I had,
gone.

Currently I am doing baking. I know how to bake pavlovas and cheesecake.
With that, I am able to pay the bills and a few of musha’s needs.
Not that my husband doesnt help, dont get me wrong,
It’s just maybe not enough. For me.
But, last time, when I was working, I can buy almost anything for my self.
Self indulgence.

Ahhhh I really should be grateful.
Other’s dont even have shoes on their feet..
But this feeling comes naturally.
After all, I am just a mere human..

The thing isssssss
I DONT TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT MY FEELINGS
AND I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK
BUT I DONT WANT ANYONE TO BE BURDENED BY IT
SO, blog thanks.

- remorseless -

Hi guys! It’s been quite a long time since I write.
Well, it’s been hell of a roller coaster ride all this while.
I wanna write again coz I tend to forget all the important life events that is happening in my life.
It’s like there’s a big hole on the back of my head straining me from remembering. Lol
Maybe I did X too much last time.
Or maybe I just wanna read what I wrote in 10 years time and say “Wow Elle, you’re kinda stupid but  at the same time kinda brilliant”
But most important thing is or More accurate, I need a platform to vent out everything that I feel, sincerely, from the core of my black heart.

So, the very first topic after 7 years of not writing for myself is

Lonely.

Mind you, I am married now. Nearly two years. 16/7/2016
I do have a husband and a lil mini me whom I love so dearly.

But,
I kinda need someone to talk.

I don’t know how to talk about my feelings.
Since day one and my blog is the one that I let it all out.

I think I am a kind of a person who doesnt talk much about her own feelings
As she thinks that others’ feelings are much more important than hers.
That is why as days passed by, she’s hurting inside.
*Libra’s trait*

I just dont’t know where to start.

Maybe I just feel kinda lonely.
I don’t go out or talk a lot anymore.
I miss my old friends and life.

- fucking annoying -

Hey! Don't laugh at the title.
 It's normal to write this when you're a 17 year old girl that
don't have a normal relationship for quite some time..
* Okay, now I'm regretting this for writing this x) *
* i dont want to get too serious, just normal and happy relationship *
It's normal okay! So, don't laugh. :3
I'm completely reformed.
For I am ashamed of my self coz I know,the last time I wrote something about quote unquote this thing so called
love is when I was the "Anti- lover". People change attitudes and their feelings vary.

I admit it. I can't resist the nature of life.
When it comes to love, there's no resistance of it, we can't deny that we can live without love. It's nonsense.
It's like herpes, no matter how hard we try to prevent it, it will keep coming over again and again.
We'll stop. For a moment, but this feeling however will reappears.
Okay, maybe we can stay away for awhile, but we can't stay away forever.
We can search the right one when it is the right time, or to be exact, they'll come to us, someday.
Some may find that him/her self kind of have the allergy for the word "LOVE" like I used to,
but then, I realized, until when right?

I want a flawless/perfect boyfriend.
I'll highlight the "perfect" word.
My definition of perfect goes something like this :

I want a boyfriend who can
follow me to travel around.
Coz I like to travel u know.

I want a boyfriend that uses his own money. Not mine.
I know I'm a soft hearted girl when it comes to money. Especially if the person is someone whom u like or love. A lot. * now that I told you guys about this, don't you ever take advantage of me *
I need to be selfish in one thing : money !
I use my own benjamin($), and you use your own fucking franklin($) aite ?

Now,read this carefully, I'm not that parsimonious, but I'm sick and tired of giving away my money for free without any
return. I mean,not that I wanted "things or gift" as in returning the favor but at least a "thank you" would be enough laah.
Don't be such a pig.
We can like, exchange things up, I would love some give and take. It's the fairest thing to do so far I know.
I'll buy you food, and you'll bring me to the cinema, watch movies.
IN A RELATIONSHIP : It's all about GIVE AND TAKE PEOPLE!
if I give give give, U take take take, mana boleh jadi bro. haha
If u give give give and I take take take, you would be annoyed or angry something like that also rightt? :3

I like short hair guy, same goes to the long hair one. I love them both.
However hmm, not too short, not as well as too long la kot? xD
I like guys with various way sense of style. Who can pull Hippies, Vintage, Emo, Reggae , Urban.
Universal you know.
Not REMPIT REMPIT REMPIT REMPIT ! my armpit lah !

Needless to say, I'm bored with the style I'm growing up with. that's why I rarely upload new pictures on facebook.
Same hair cut since I was in standard 5? Now come on, it's depressing!

Regardless what people would say about me, I know that I'm not one of the "Barbie", though some guy
like it when their girlfriends tend to be sweet or "mengada-ngada".
But sorry sir, if that's what you like then just go on with it. x)
i have nothing to argue about.

Boys who good in English and educated really turn me on. * like fo real dude.

Note : I have a very huge wall of ego . if you can break it , then you're my man. :D

Exp: (pergh ada example tu HAHA XD) *im trying to be detail in this . lol
okay,
example : You text-ed me something like " hey how are you " . and I know I will reply this
" I'm fine thank you, how bout you? Have you eaten?"
then you replied this " fine. I ate already "
exactyly.
I won't reply to this.
but you kept sending me txt messages saying that " omg elle, you're very snobbish " or " why you didn't reply to me".
then, there will be definitely no SMS for you anymore. :)
get the picture?
I don't like to be the "conversation starter". no i don't. don't ask me why, but i really don't like.
except if i really liked you of course :P


I have so many flaws. And I don't want a too perfect boyfriend.
Everybody has he/she own imperfection right? so am I.
I'm narcissist ? no , i'm not. i just want the best for me. and you have the right to chose what are the best for you.
one of em is that I'm not excellent in starting a conversation. If you're the one who makes it boring, then trust me, I'll make it worst. See, I really need someone who can spice up my life. The second thing is,
I have the biggest thigh in the whole universe. I want to make it smaller. LOL :P.
 If there's no chance, I'm getting all that I listed up there, it's okay. I'll still accept you for who you are and
depending on the reasons why you love/like me. That's all. I'm not that strict tho. x)
nowwwwwwwwwwwww i'm *blushing* aw.. im so embarrassed coz write all these.
I noticed that how i'm against love..
I noticed that how I longing for love now.
perhaps, we can't be extremely over confident that we can hate something for ever coz it turns out,
you'll be loving it someday. Same with the opposite.

Damn elle, you're just 17 chicha !
   IM WRITING THIS OUT OF LONELINESS.DAMN YOU FEELINGS!
Any comment? :p

ouch

- remorseless -

I can't get you the fuck out of my mind. You're the only one that I want.
You're the only one that I truly and sincerely loved.
yeah, loved.
I can't love anyone else like I loved you.
You're too far away. There's a gap between you and me that restricts me from holding you
but I don't know what.

Changes.

- remorseless -

Hye. It's been a while. nearly half a year maybe?
So, I've been away for some reason.
Well, I met a new way of life, new kind of community and yeah new environment.
It affects me as much if I would say.
I'm not that active on facebook anymore, but hey,
I will be blogging again from now. So yeah..

So, mother sent me to Politeknik Ibrahim Sultan in Johor.
the Hostel bores the hell out of me.

and shit. my blog's gettin' bored. .__.
I'll update later when my emotions is not stable.

SO YEAH, baru perasan, that I did not update my blog coz i have a very very stable emotions
for half a year. now, thats wicked for me lah. so yeah,
the PnP starts now, the pressure has begun. xD

bye.

THE DERP GOES RAWR!

- remorseless -

BEHOLD! FOR WE'RE GOING TO BRING THE NOISE!

credit goes to-uze osbourne/PixelDixelArt

we're gonna show all of them what are we going to be. 

we're going to be success, respected.

I'm sick of some people who talk bad things about us.

this is not a game for we will give it all, make them see that we are dead serious about this.

well, this is the true color of people who live in this music scenes.

there's no good and bad. 

we only focus in one. we gather in one.

ph by the way this is a song composed by me, danish and nasir. -for fun- part of this band's material. (although not official)
instrumental :3

but the real deal you can see it on youtube or go to facebook and type in The Derp Goes Rawr :)

Catching winds.

- remorseless -

As far as I concerned, there's no possible way to catch wind.
It'll come by itself, softly touches our naked body, passing through every pores, 
and disappear whenever it wants. Come and go as it pleases.
When the blue sky breezes, I feel like I am not alone. I feel like I am home.
I want it to stay, but I cant find any way.
_____________________________________________________________
I am frustrated.
I plant the seeds, I tend it, I water it. but instead of what I imagined,
Thorns are the results.
These thorns inside me, grew bigger and I don't know how to cease it.
To make it less painful. To make it grow into beautiful intricate roses.
Anxiety took over my mind, I'm afraid that I'll be abandoned someday by someone who means a lot to me.
I already am. been abandoned,neglected. I can't sleep for days coz of it.
Those happy moments is only for awhile.

If moment of clarity arrives,
Please, light a shine bright upon me, let me see, let me know, let me understand,
Teach me how to walk in this world full of hypocrisy and madness.
For I am in haze, I am blinded bt lust and gluttony. sunken in this hole for too long,
I've befriended with these menacing cloudy sky.
I am a disgrace. I am a child born of curse.

Help.

it's not my intention to make everyone sees me smiling, no it's not.
it's not that I fake it..
I just never been in any comfort to tell people what is my real feelings are.
it's complicated to tell. just let it be oblivion like ashes..

Nike dunk high

- remorseless -

baby. dont leave me. macam abang mu si 6.0 tuh, haktui pi ilang dlm bas buat gapo

hehe my new baby Eli i love youu

- remorseless -

hye.. this is my new boyfriend..
cousin dia Ellis mid vans dah masuk dalam kotak..sian dia..
takpe, Poppy, jasamu dikenang :) setahun bersamamu..

esok nak bawak Eli jalan2 for the first time, titik pertama beliau berhijrah adalah ke Rumah Api, Ampang.

kita akan menikmati masa agung bersama <3

I NEED ALL THIS STUFF BEFORE APRIL!

- remorseless -

-Blackberry
why?
coz it's easier for me to contact all my friends coz seems like all of em pakai BB now.
FUCK YOU HALV! bila nak bagi duit gua balik pun taktau,
doh, it's 650rm kot. and it was my birthday present :(

-Nike 6.0
-Jordan
-Macbeth Mcqueen and Newman or Pendleton.
mann.. i dont know.. but I have this thing with sneakers..I love them too much,
there's no way I would spend my money on heels. -___- sakit kaki je.
but who knows.. one day.. my heart will be delighted to accept the visionary of a whole new world.
world of feminine. HOMAIGAD xD

Mcqueen.. pretty simple but yet, is very easy to wear.

you'll be mine Pendleton baby. one day for sure!

This my friends, is 6.0.. might consider between the blue or the red one.

Insyallah, if I work hard to get all the money, with my own titik peluhs, it will be all much worthy.

2012.

- remorseless -

-this post is too long by the way-

I know it has already been a few days we're in this "2012" but it is never too late to update right?
Because it is still January! :P which is for me, a complete new start.
I'm 18 now, well.. not exactly 18 ..only 17 years and 2 months old. Okay2.. I dont want to exaggerate more about my age, it will become a long post to read.

I learned so many things this past years..
I learned that, we can't easily believe with what people say..Even if they were one of your friends. Enemy exists among friends.
I learned that, education is very important for our future.
I learned that, love.. is a thing that some people could cope with it leavings, but somehow, some people couldn't. It will eventually comes when it is the right time. We can't force it. It is be a nightmare if we tried it so hard.
I learned that, no matter how hard is your life is, you must remember, that there is always, ALWAYS some other people who suffers more than us.
I learned that, luxuries, is only for awhile. When you have fat ass pocket, they will come to you. But when you don't.. they will disappear slowly. its life.
I learned that, family, is all we had in mind, even at the lowest point of your life, family comes first.
I learned so many things.

Truth to be told, I quite miss my High School life.. I thought that after SPM is finished, I will go and live all by myself, I mean.. it's a new thing to do right? not to depend on your family for once. At least before I "enjoy" the new ambiance in University or College.

But, according to my brother, i'm still young and should've just stay at home.
Well, you wanna know my routine at home every effin' day?
sleep at 7a.m.
wake up at 1 or 2p.m
Eat.
Accompany my nieces to sleep at 3 or 4 p.m well, you know, I SLEEP TOO. until 5.30p.m
and then I will go to gym at 8 till 10.
Then I will watch Merlin till 6a.m or facebook. or tumblr.or twitter or youtube.
He allows me to work, but insist that I must actually stay at home if I want to work.
I LIVED IN THIS AREA NAMED PUNCAK PERDANA.
hellooo, pendalaman gila kott bas pun 1 jam sekali.
I can't fucking wait to get my car licence. Then, all will be alright I guess.
after thinking for quite a while and to put my feelings at ease, I made up with this idea that my brother actually cares for me and didn't want anything bad happens to me.
It's okay brother, my anger is only for awhile, and I love you too :) *i can't be mad at a person really long*
besides, he's still my brother.

I welcomed 2012 at Langkawi with ma homies : Eykram, Yumi, Nafiss, Ambia, Rath (I REALLY MISS HIM!) , kak fika, Dayat and other new friends.
It was really really really super awesomely fuuuuuuunn!
We did so many things, Banana boat, island hoping, jalan2, makan2 and all.
Eykram introduced me with lobsters, it was my first time to eat that thing. Never had a chance before LOL.
it was super nyummeyh!

and the Banana boat, i tell you its WICKED in a good way, at first im scared to ride that thing coz it keeps bouncing and bouncing and eventually you will fall. yes we fell, for a few times. but it was super fun!
and then, the next day, we went to Island Hoping. we went to Dayang Bunting, we saw the Eagles there.
(woi macam jakun giler je nak cerita semua) haha well, I suggest YOU to go there if you're freee. It is really worth for your money.
We stayed there for 4 nights and 3 days. How awesome it would be if I can repeat those moments again. Feels like I dont want to leave that place. hehe.

Badai membara

- remorseless -

Menghembus bayu,
Memadam sayu,
Mengubur pilu,
Itulah peranan ibu.

Menyayangi aku,
Menemani aku
Mewarnakan aku,
Itulah kelebihan ibu.

Kian membesar kian bernanah.
Api gelora jiwa kian membara,
Hati ibu berdarah dipanah,
Si kecil mula berdusta, teralpa, terleka.

Hampa..
Ibu hampa.

Nurani hati ibu sayup ucapkan rindu,
Ombak membadai seganas taufan,
Terpana melihat si anak memuntahkan kata-kata nista haru.
Ibu tidak mampu berkata apa terpadam umpama bara kesejukan.

Si kecil yang dulunya bermain tidak jauh dari sempadan,
Hilang sekelip dari anak mata tiada lagi indah kayangan,
Ibu gila mencari mengigil takut kehilangan,
Bila jumpa, tidak mampu untuk melepaskan dari gengaman.

Kini dia membesar menjadi anak derhaka.
Berbeza, berbeza dari dulu yang halus,
Ibu, ampunkan anakmu yang kurang hajar menikam dada,
Ku rindu belaimu yang ikhlas dan mulus.

forgive me

- remorseless -

Cruising far away from the land.
with it's big grand metal blend.
Start the journey to a better place.
where there is no room for any more disgrace.

sunken in the deep blue sea,
O lord, please help them see,
what world we lived in.
so much lust, so much sin.

Wandered endlessly in the ocean,
never looked back, afraid to examine their past action.
They are in fear, fear to be confined, fear to be reset.
So why bother to possess, when we know we're going to regret?

Forgive me for I've cruised too far,
I never meant to meddle in this war.
There was mist everywhere obscuring my sight.
I need You to be my light.

what have I done

- remorseless -

dont even.

laugh

coz i'll die of laughter

Yesterday was seriously wicked for me guys. seriously. hahahah xDD
Except you knoww.. to wait for that scumbag for 12 hours.
we're bunch of idiots. devoted to him and all -__-
fuck that shizz manngggg

fuck i'd give.

- remorseless -


















































none.

ze katze

- remorseless -

- remorseless -

It took me 1 year to forget about some goddamn guy who
was "in relationship" with me for 1 month. then mind-fucked me.
Pretty intense.results in "cant believe in boys easily" for the whole year.
just certain of em, still can choose who i can trust who i can't trust.
as soon as I give all of em back my trust. shit happened.

How bout 5 months then?
They've lost my trust. forever.
all boys.

Terima kasih :3
better keep it this way. so no more scars.

well, to be honest. i hate myself.
i hate part of me tells me to hate you, another part says i still love you.
how mind fuck is that. haha troll forever.
you have no idea how hurt I am.
i cant trust anyone. not even myself.

REVMP!

- remorseless -

REVAMP! REVAMP!
like you never Died before!
REVAMP! REVAMP!
like you never seen this world before!
REVAMP! REVAMP!

i seriously motherfuckingly need a punching bag in my room.
like seriously. XD

and we shall celebrate our victory with RED VELVET CUPCAKE BEBEH!

Entitled to be cursed forever.

- remorseless -
14.6.24.10.4.11

Shouldn't accept. Shouldn't listen. Shouldn't trust. 
Shouldn't discover love at the first place.
It's very irony that love could mend a broken heart,
and love also has the power to tear a part.


Momma once told me that love is so heavenly fun.
and all what we do is play and run
Love is where a place that no one recognize any hate.
guess it's just another lie and in the hand of malignant fate.


Misery came once in a while,
thought that it could cause no long-lasting harm..
so I dumbly welcomed it with open arms.
But it does,it is vile and wild.. 
everything is unclear and left only unending tears.
when sight isn't that vivid, forthwith it bestowed scars that hurt like acid.

I thought we were stronger than that.
I was wrong. I fought this battle alone.
I could give up long time ago,
But I didn't because I .. I thought we were stronger than that.

and now, im at the lowest point of my life.
I've failed, I've lost. I've nothing in exchange.

This pleasures of love is only for awhile
and it has to end.
Though I have to go through the crowds with a forced smile
but still, I must make some amend.

no more crying in the middle of the night.
no more 4 hours of mourning.
Everyday.
Coz I know, there will be bright shining light,
waiting for me in the morning.
as long as it may.

I've repeated this for second time.
I though it was all untrue when I found you.
But there was I.. wrong again when i let my heart over mind.
I'm seriously broken.
"I guess it's true that in real world, there's no knight in shining armor.
No prince charming that will hold her hand for just a little while.
I guess no.
There's only backstabbing, anger, lonely and sad.
Conquering every living person in world of mess.
That just a whole load of pain in the ass.
Don't die, just pretend a smile."

and there it go once more, 9 rejected theories ,
perpetuating in the mind of it's very own.
I shall not easily fall again..
either in love or life.

Those who are faithless know the pleasures of love; it is the faithful who know love's tragedies.

Time Travel

- remorseless -

Nothing is real, I know this cause I made a deal.
With the Devil. He told me that i was just wasting my time on the moon.

So I flew to the sun, lost track of my soul on the run
suffering 12 degree burns
I learned that the sun was no fun

So I went back to earth, Tripped and fell in the glorified dirt.

Honestly, gravity sees me as a liability.

So I held my breath, til my soul left my body for dead

I ripped through the clouds, To talk with the man in the sky.

I said " Take this for what it is,, I think you're a tad but prejudice

Against the ones like us that are searching for the answers"

He said " Kid you don't know shit, you should go back home and live

In that quiet little town you left behind"

I'm coming home, Don't you cry ( don't you cry )
I'm coming home, Just in time ( Just in time )

I am a fake A constant go-getter of fate

I lost track of time, I carried my mind on a plate

I seasoned it well, with acid and M.D.M.A.

Then I howled at the moon, Til the sun burnt out both of my eyes.

So I checked my pulse, Standing there white as a ghost.

I lacked a complexion, and stabbed my reflection 12 times

I don't know what I've been told, I will sell my soul to rock and roll

I don't know where to go I have lost control Oh no.